Once upon a time in the far away city called New York, there was a young, handsome lad named Little Red Riding Jock. Now you may think he got his name from the supportive underwear he wore at all times — backside exposed, wide waistband, colorful and contoured cup — but then you’d be wrong. He was an accomplished athlete and he had red hair. So now before our little tale has begun, maybe you’ll have learned to not make assumptions about people based on what they wear.
Little Red Riding Jock lived with his mother (let’s be honest, his beard) in Hell’s Kitchen. One day, while exercising over on the riverfront, he got a Snapchat saying his granny was feeling very down and needed some cheering up. Little Red Riding Jock loved his Granny. She was his inspiration, his reason for being, his all and everything. She lived all the way down in the village. You know the type – been there since the 50’s, friends with Warhol, Maplethorpe, Patti Smith, married five different jazz musicians, wore too much make up, smoked through her tracheotomy, and still managed to be FABULOUS!!! Little Red Riding Jock decided he would stroll down to see her and bring her all sorts of goodies.
So he put on his Andrew Christian Twerk Bubble But Jock and his Nasty Pig Serpent Skank Tank and set off on the path to Granny’s. It was pretty much a straight shot down 8th Avenue until you got to the village.
“I’m off to see my granny! My wonderful Granny named Roz!” he sang as he swung his soon-to-be-full basket. And don’t blame us for that blatant reference. What else would you expect?
Little Red Riding Jock had lived in the city a very long time, so he knew all the best stores. Where to get fresh soaps, where to find the nicest cut of flowers, who’d give him free samples, and how to find just the right brooch for a sassy mouthed Granny like his.
As he wandered through Chelsea stopping to window show he ran into a large, hairy, and steely-eyed … BEAR!
“Well, well, well,” said Bear, wearing his matching Jack Adams Union Shorts and Bridgetown V T-shirt and speaking in a voice oddly high for such massive pectoral muscles. “If it isn’t Little Red Riding Jock. And where are you going?”
“I’m off to see my Granny,” replied Little Red Riding Jock. “I’m very busy.”
“Too busy to call me back,” griped Bear. “But not too busy to hook up with Cinderfella at Evolution last weekend?!”
“Ugh,” sighed Little Red Riding Jock. “Don’t be so catty.”
“I’ll be whatever I want to be!” shouted Bear.
“You know what I think?!”
“WHAT?!”[THE FOLLOWING SECTION OF “LITTLE RED RIDING JOCK” HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO CONTENT THAT MAY BE DEEMED OFFENSIVE. WE NOW PICK BACK UP AT THE END OF THE ARGUMENT BETWEEN LITTLE RED RIDING JOCK AND BEAR]
“How dare you!” cried Bear. “You hurt my feelings.”
Little Red Riding Jock paid little attention to the crying Bear and walked up, unaware that Bear was already plotting his revenge. He pulled up his Uber app, got in a black cab and sped into the village.
Walking downtown, Little Red Riding Jock was filling up his basket with all kinds of goodies. Everywhere he went, each store he entered, he was the bell of the ball.
“Hey latrelle!” he smiled at the soap store.
“Looking amazing!” he told Chanelle at the cupcake shop.
“I LOVE it!” he cried with glee to Susan at Sephora.
“You are the worst!” he told Stich at the shop that sold dirty lollipops.
“THIS IS PERFECT!” he shouted while buying himself two new pairs of jockstraps. The PUMP! Neon Fuel Red Jockstrap and the Agacio Basics Red Jockstrap. He obviously had to get something for himself too.
Pretty soon his basket was filled with swag and he was ready to see his granny.
While all that was happening, Bear had arrived at Granny’s amazing rent-controlled brownstone where he knocked on the door.
“COUGH-Who is it-SPUTTER-COUGH?” asked Granny.
“Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…yyyyyyy..yy.y!” said Bear doing his best impression.
“Little Red – COUGH –Riding Jock” cried Granny, opening the door and letting bear into the brownstone.
Soon enough Little Red Riding Jock arrived and knocked on the door.
“Come in!” said Granny.
Little Red Riding Jock entered his Granny’s flat. It was a museum. Signed Karen Black posters, magenta shag carpeting, orbital lamps, the works! At the back underneath sheer silk covers was Granny.
“Why Granny, what noticeably pronounced thighs you have,” said Little Red Riding Jock approaching.
“The better to ride a bull with,” said Granny.
“Why Granny ,what a pronounced brow you have,” said Little Red Riding Jock.
“The better to furrow at you in disbelief,” said Granny.
“Why Granny, what a deep voice you suddenly have,” said Little Red Riding Jock.
“….listen, I’m a smoker. I’ve always been a smoker,” said Granny. “I’ll always be a smoker. Let it go.”
Then Little Red Riding Jock noticed Granny’s large feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
“Why Granny, what large feet you have!”
“You know what they say about people with large feet?!” Said Granny standing up stark naked and revealing himself.
“BEAR!” shouted Little Red Riding Jock. “What horrible thing have you done with my Granny?!”
“Don’t worry,” said Granny bursting out of the closet with a portrait camera in hand.
“We talked it all out, he and I. I’ve been feeling so down these last couple years. Like the fun has all but left the village. And then I realized, if I miss art, I should start making it!”
“Whatever are you talking about Granny?” asked Little Red Riding Jock.
“We’re going to do a photo shoot! Hop on the bed!” Granny instructed.
“OH what the hell!” shouted Little Red Riding Jock jumping onto the bed with Bear. The photo shoot was full of wild laughter and lasted the whole day and night long.
And that is how the first Andrew Christian Video was made. Not really.
Did you think Little Red Riding Jock was too hard on Bear? What do you think is Granny’s past history? Let us know by leaving a comment below or tweeting @underwearexpert.
Photo Credits: Agacio, Andrew Christian, Jack Asams, Nasty Pig, PUMP!, Instagram