Underwear Astrology: A Zodiac Matching Odyssey

underwear astrology

Just because we don’t call them soothsayers anymore doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Tarot, tea and palm readings, even your kinda crazy Aunt who has a little too much to drink at family events and ‘sees the future’ all are a type of modern soothsayer. Then there is astrology.

The ancient wisdom of the Zodiac has offered great insight into the personality traits of men and women for centuries. If only there was something … some other universal element to humanity that also gave insight into personality. If only.

You see where we’re going. Of course you do. That’s why we love you.

So come in, sit down. Rest your weary feet and let us combine two things we enjoy that will shed light on who you have been, who you are, and who you will become. Come take a cue from our soothsayer of Underwear Astrology.

ARIES, THE RAM  (March 21st – April 20th)aries-final

  • The PERSONALITY: Determined. Loyal. Headstrong. Ambitious. A born leader.
  • The UNDERWEAR: PUMP! Fever Jock
  • The REASON: An Aries doesn’t take no for an answer. They got a fever! And the only cure is more jockstrap!

TAURUS, THE BULL (April 21st – May 21st) taurus-final

  • The PERSONALITY: Resolute. Secure. Practical. Persistant. Fearful of drastic change, stick to your guns.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Garcon Model Collins Brief.
  • The REASON: The Collins Brief will provide the security for every Taurus’ package, and while it’s a take on the classic white brief, it’s not too much of a take. It’s purposefully practical, like a Taurus.

GEMINI, THE TWINS (May 22nd – June 21st)gemini-final

  •  The PERSONALITY: Multi-talented. Talkative. Social. Scattered. A little of everything.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Andrew Christian Tight Whitey Pinked V-Clipse
  • The REASON: Like the dual masks of comedy and tragedy, or the Gemini twins themselves, the front and back of this look is a little ‘column A’ a little ‘column WOWZA.’

CANCER, THE CRAB  (June 22nd – July 23rd)cancer-final

  •  The PERSONALITY: Sympathetic. Sensual. Charitable. Over-reactive. A highly emotional shoulder to cry on.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Papi My Pride Brazilian Trunks – Purple.
  • The REASON: He was totally our best friend (and prom date) in high school.

LEO, THE LION (July 24th – August 23rd)leo-final

  • The PERSONALITY: Imposing. Motivated. Physical. Majestic. A star shining brightly in the center of everything.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Nasty Pig Covert Jock.
  • The REASON: Because, clearly, anyone who wears a Bumblebee Transformer, robot-looking jock needs everyone looking at him. RIGHT. NOW!

VIRGO, THE VIRGIN (August 24th – September 23rd)virgo-final

  • The PERSONALITY: Highly analytical. Tidy. Clean. Organized. Fastidious. Has high standards.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Mack Weldon V-Neck T-Shirt.
  • The REASON: Because wearing undershirts is the clean, sensible thing to do, you charlatan.

LIBRA, THE SCALES (September 24th – October 23rd)libra-final

  •  The PERSONALITY: Social. Artistic. Outgoing. A communicative charmer.
  • The UNDERWEAR: AussieBum Spot Trunks.
  • The REASON: And then he asked me, “What’s more charming that polka dots? Other than you’re eyes…”

SCORPIO, THE SCORPION (October 24th – November 22nd)scorpio-final

  • The PERSONALITY: Passionate. Secretive. Stubborn. Reckless. Determined. Magnetic but aloof.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Gregg Homme Panther Brief
  • The REASON: The scorpion kept inside you has had it’s way with the sides of these briefs.

SAGITARIUS, THE CENTAUR (November 23rd – December 22nd)sagitarius-final

  • The PERSONALITY: Magnanimous. Generous. Lucky. Fortune favors you and people like to help you.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Teamm8 Touchdown Brief.
  • The REASON: A team sport, a sporty look, you can’t score a touchdown alone. That’s like one-hand clapping. And you wouldn’t one hand clap, now would you?

CAPRICORN, THE GOAT (December 23rd – January 20th)capricorn-final

  • The PERSONALITY: Down-to-Earth. Matter-of-fact. Likes money but not high risk.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Charlie Dog Alonzo Boxers
  • The REASON: Because they look good with the braces holding up your socks. Obviously.

AQUARIUS, THE WATER BEARER (January 21st – February 19th)aquarius-final

  •  The PERSONALITY: Progressive. Humane. Flamboyant. Great organizational skills.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Bjorn Borg Can You Feel It Trunks
  • The REASON: Because paisley and organization go together like peas in a pod.

PISCES, THE FISH (February 20th – March 20th)pisces-final

  • The PERSONALITY: Sensitive. Intuitive. Spiritual. Idealistic. Strong of conscience.
  • The UNDERWEAR: Wood Hermosa Blue Trunks
  • The REASON: Wood cares about the environment, and so would a Pisces.

What sign are you? Do you happen to own the pair you’re sign was matched with?  Let us know with a comment below or by tweeting @underwearexpert.

For more information on these brands: Pump, Garcon Model, Andrew Christian, Papi, Nasty Pig, Mack Weldon, Aussiebum, Gregg Homme, Teamm8, Charlie Dog, Bjorn Borg, Wood


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