A few years ago, I flew to Indiana so that I could spend some much needed quality time with some girlfriends. The flights were delayed, and by the time we got there we were only going to have 36 hours with each other, but it didn’t matter because we were together.
We were perfectly content sitting on the couch or going out to eat and keeping the itinerary simple because we didn’t come to Indiana in search of some thrilling activities we couldn’t find anywhere else, we went so that we could commune face to face—something we’re able to do so infrequently.
Almost immediately when we arrived my friend told me a story about a bachelorette party she attended the weekend previous. She said, “I think Charlotte was really surprised when she combined her new friends from work with her old friends from high school. She got so used to how her new friends fill her up and make her feel good after every interaction, and there was a stark contrast with the women from high school who drain her with the gossip and competitiveness when you put them in the same room.”
It’s impossible to completely avoid the takers—the friends who always zap your energy and never provide any kind of energy boost in return. Sometimes they’re family members. Sometimes they’re your partner’s friends. Sometimes they’re important acquaintances who you’re able to put boundaries around to make the interactions manageable.
But rather than think about the takers, I want us to prioritize our focus on the givers—the people who you’re able to be honest with, have effortless dinners with, laugh with, be vulnerable with. These are the people we need to be prioritizing in our lives. I believe one of the most important lessons we can learn in life is that not all friendships are made equal. Sometimes it’s difficult when friendships first begin to identify what the give and take will be. As soon as it becomes clear, it’s imperative that we dictate our effort and time to that relationship appropriately.
Conversations with the givers can have the most profound healing properties. Finally you get the opportunity to be yourself and let your guard down. We have to be deliberate about seeking out time with the givers, otherwise we may be overrun by our time with the takers.
Sometimes the takers are insidious. Most of them aren’t purposefully takers, but they are anyway, and they flock together. You spend so much time with that group that you realize it’s all been taking and taking, and you haven’t had any balance from your givers. You must be aware. Measure the net positive and negatives of your interactions with friends and make sure that you’re finding balance. These relationships have the power to keep you down and limit potential, or lift you up and make you extraordinary.
Having communities that you can be yourself in and that lift you up is not only pure joy when you’re with them, but important for your short and long term health. Whether you see these people often, only online, or just when you have a weekend to squeeze in quality time, find your people. You deserve to feel extraordinary.
