Once upon a time, in a far away land called Castro in the Kingdom of San Francisco in the year of our lord 1975, there lived a very well known, well respected, and well-established underwear distributor. People would travel to his downtown shop. It was the hippest and most trendy spot in all of Castro. The gold-paneled and fur trimmed salon, with it’s black tile flooring and black lit mirrors, was brimming with the latest fashionable collections ranging from the Tommy John Second Skin Collection to the Björn Borg Arcade Collection to the Bodyaware Strapping Silk Briefs.
But life was not always so grand for this well known, well respected, and well-established underwear distributor. In fact, it was only by mere coincidence that he became an underwear distributor at all. It’s time the world knew the truth in this unauthorized behind the fashion Fairy Tale:
THE ELVES AND THE UNDERWEAR DISTRIBUTOR
CHAPTER 1 – A GRITTY CITY
The year was 1970. The town was New York City. And in midtown, there was a shoemaker. He was a talented fellow and all the workingmen of New York wore his shoes. But this shoemaker wasn’t happy. Sure he could mold a nice clog, shape a sneaker, and cobble a nice clodhopper, but he was capable of so much more than that.
When he closed his eyes and thought of shoes, he imagined only magnificent boots. Thigh high with platform heels, in saucy colors that would stop anyone dead in their tracks. They would be jewel crusted and marvelous. But the dreary businessmen of NYC wouldn’t dream of wearing a shoe like that. They all only wanted the same drab old clogs and clodhoppers.
The Shoemaker knew it was time for a change.
CHAPTER 2 – GO WEST YOUNG MAN
The Shoemaker arrived in the land of Castro in the Kingdom of San Francisco a week later. He had not a penny to his name, having sold everything he could just to make the long trip across the country. All he had were the clothes on his back, made up of the Lupo Compression Collection.
He also brought with him two large pieces of leather, his last pieces. It was just enough to design the pair of boots he had spent a lifetime dreaming about. But there was a problem.
With only enough leather to make one pair of boots, he was gripped by anxiety. They had to be perfect. They had to be remarkable, and he couldn’t get started. Fear of failure gripped him permanently. Without enough money to stay in even a guest house, he wandered into an abandoned storefront in the center of Castro (come on now, it was the 70’s remember?!). He laid his two pieces of leather down on a bench and promised himself he would construct the perfect boot in the morning. And then he fell asleep.
CHAPTER 3 – WTF
The next morning, The Shoemaker awoke to find his pieces of leather gone! In their place was a pair of the Gregg Homme Strip Thong.
They were gorgeous, with straps and buckles. But there was a problem: they weren’t boots! He was distraught. His chance to make the world’s most amazing boots was gone forever. Sad and hungry, he took the underwear to the nearest flea market, hoping maybe someone would trade him leather for the underwear he didn’t know what to do with.
The minute he entered, the whole market stopped dead in its tracks. People could not take their eyes off the underwear in his hand. A customer approached him before he could even realize what has happening.
“Where did you get that amazing underwear?!” he asked.
“I …” The Shoemaker hesitated, “…made it.”
“I have to have it!” said the customer, giving the shoemaker enough cash to buy leather for 2 shoes! The Shoemaker was speechless as the man traipsed off with the leather undies he found when he awoke.
Later that day, The Shoemaker went and bought some leather. He then went back to his abandoned storefront and laid them out. Suddenly, he was once again gripped by the fear that his shoes would not live up to what he pictured in his head. He left the leather where it was and went to bed, promising himself he’d build the shoes in the morning.
And just as before, when he woke up, the leather was gone. In its place were the Good Devil Cage Brief and the C-IN2 Hard Hustle Briefs.
“OH SHOOT!” cried The Shoemaker.
At that exact moment, two rich men happened to be strolling by. They stopped in to see what the commotion was all about and saw the pairs of underwear. Both men were just as speechless as the man from before. They thrust money into The Shoemaker’s hand. Enough to buy leather for 10 pairs of shoes, easily.
After the two men left, The Shoemaker stood. He could not believe his luck. After that everything would change forever.
CHAPTER 4 – A NEW BUSINESS PLAN
So it came to pass, day after day, night after night, and month after month, that The Shoemaker would buy leather and leave it overnight to be turned into amazing underwear. Soon he had enough money to buy different materials. Satin, silk, rayon. Soon, the underwear production grew and grew. He was able to refurbish the store, to add racks, and to display all kinds of men’s clothing.
Though he had yet to make a pair of shoes, The Shoemaker, now an underwear distributor, was very happy. In his store, one could find looks from Marco Marco, like their Mesh-Back Blacklight Brief, aussieBum’s Jack The Pumpkin Briefs, and Mack Weldon’s Thick And Thin Socks.
CHAPTER 5 – TOTES THANKS
The Shoemaker/Underwear Distributor still did not know who was making the underwear. Whoever the stranger was, they were making him so rich. So one night, after he laid out his materials, he hid in the corner of his shop. Around midnight, a strange sound was heard outside: OOTZ OOTZ OOTZ OOTZ! Smoke began to filter under the door, which burst open as the lights above flickered like strobes.
Much to The Shoemaker/Underwear Distributor’s surprise, two elves danced in: Andrew and Christian (I mean …who else really?). They were dressed in the Andrew Christian Stealth Vest and Running Shorts.
Both elves danced into the shop and began to work, still gyrating along with the bass as they did. It was then that The Shoemaker/Underwear Distributor noticed something disturbing. Though they worked merrily and dressed handsomely, the two elves had no shoes. Their feet were raw and bloodied.
By dawn the elves had built amazing underwear and danced their way out of the shop. The Shoemaker/Underwear Distributor knew what he had to do. He got out his shoemaking tools and four pieces of leather. He kept the shop closed all day and worked tirelessly.
By nightfall he had made two amazing pairs of tiny boots. They were everything he had ever imagined, and they were the perfect present for the elves.
Instead of laying out the materials, he left the shoes on the bench and hid in the corner. At midnight the sound began: OOTZ OOTZ OOTZ and smoke filled the room and the lights flickered like strobes. The door blew open and in danced the elves Andrew and Christian. They stopped in their tracks when they saw the boots, and so did the music.
Both elves suddenly screamed with joy! Then they hugged. They cried. And they screamed some more. Only then did they run up to the boots and put them on. And at the exact moment the boots were on their feet the beat dropped!
Andrew and Christian danced away happily. The Underwear Distributor never heard from them again, or saw them again. But that was okay, because he was a success. And most importantly, he’d finally made the shoes he’d always imagined.
Did you love our little version of this classic tale? Is there a fairy tale you’d like to see us lampoon next? Let us know by leaving a comment below or tweeting @underwearexpert.
Photo Credits: Tommy John, Björn Borg, Bodyaware, Lupo, Gregg Homme, Good Devil, C-IN2, Marco Marco, aussieBum, Mack Weldon, Andrew Christian