It’s that time of year again. The time we stuff their faces with Turkey and cranberry sauce. The time when we cradle our food babies in front of the television for some good old fashion football. The time we watch our mothers frantically cut coupons for the Black Friday sales that actually are starting on Thursday. Yes, ladies and gents, this Thursday is Thanksgiving in America.
Thanksgiving traditions, when it comes to food and activities, differ from country to country. What we can all agree on is that there is some awkwardness that can arise from seeing family members for the first time. Sometimes, it can be a little nerve wrecking to have to sit next to the family member you have deliberately been avoiding. We know that it has definitely happened to us. Well, during such situations, we do what any Underwear Expert would. We calm our nerves by imagining our family members in their Thanksgiving underwear and, man, aren’t there a wide array of choices.
The Flirty Uncle
At your family get together, you will probably come face to face with the uncle that gets a little too touchy feely with the young ladies of the family after a few drinks. You may catch yourself saying, “Uncle Tom, cousin Sylvia does not need a back rub and would probably appreciate it if you didn’t ask her to rub your feet.” There is no doubt in our mind that good old uncle Tom is wearing a thong. And, not just any thong, a Malebasics Micro thong. Now, we are not giving into underwear taboos. On the contrary, Uncle Tom is probably the family member who is most open to experimenting with his underwear and prefers a playful, sexy choice.
The Suave Entrepreneur Brother
As you make your rounds, there is one person that you want to avoid at all cost. Of course, it’s pretty easy because he is also the person that pops in at the get together, gloats, and leaves to go to a fancier party in the Upper East Side. Yep, that’s your older suave entrepreneurial brother. So, you may be a bit jealous of how he was able to build the trendiest New York startup without spending much on a college education, and you may also despise that every time he goes out on the town with you (the few times) all the women want to sleep with him, and men want to be him, while you’re left holding the drinks. The trendiest and most high profile of everyone in the room, it is very possible that he is wearing his new pair of Frigo $100 underwear that he just had to have after schmoozing with celebs at last week’s launch party.
The Kid At Heart Grandpa
The one person you are probably always excited to see is that grandfather who is still very much a kid at heart. He willingly chooses to sit at the kiddie table during dinner, throws the football, and his back out, with the kids outside, and can’t stop making fart jokes every time he takes a bite of the baked beans grandma brought over. There is no doubt in our mind that this grandpa is wearing underwear from the Ginch Gonch Superhero collection. If his fun spirit didn’t give it away, the fact that he took them off to wear on his head at one point during the festivities should clue you in.
The Good Ol’ Days Great Grandpa
At the opposite side of the spectrum, you will have the conservative grandfather, most likely from your mother’s side. This is the grandfather who will continue to question why you have not gotten married yet, because he tied the knot when he was 17– you know– when the dinosaurs were still around. This is also the grandfather who believes in timeless underwear. That’s why he wears a brand that has been producing great underwear for a long time, like Jockey. When you think about his underwear choice, you have to admit you get a kick out of thinking that he looked to Jim Palmer for fashion advice.
The Midlife Crisis Dad
Poor dad. He is three years removed from the dreaded 5-0, and you have begun to receive frantic calls from your mother about his hidden Bruce Jenner helicopter collection and the motorcycle she forced him to take back. He’s also become the guy that must show everyone at the party his new twerking skills. When you ask him about it, he takes you into his room to show you his new splurge item. “I joined the Andrew Christian underwear of the month club,” he tells you. “They have these videos. I’ve learned how to Broga and twerk like Jon Varak and Noah!” All you can do is stand there, nod awkwardly, and feel a bit more mature than the dad that busted you for underage drinking when you were younger. How the tides have turned.
The Art Student Little Brother
Your younger brother spends most of the day as a social recluse. He’s too busy being an artist in his makeshift studio, or as we see it, a walk in closet. But, you call it a studio because you are a supporter of the arts, imagination, and watched too many van Gogh documentaries to say anything to the contrary. When it comes to his underwear, he is more Mondrian than Dali. It is highly likely that he is wearing the Alpha + Omega Pop Art brief because every fiber in his being is his art, even his cotton fibers.
The Newlywed Brother-in-Law
The big topic on everyone’s mind this year is your older sister’s first wedding anniversary. This is the first year she will be around with your brother-in-law as his misses. Of course, he is nicest guys, and you have no qualms when it comes to him. Well, despite the fact that he found happiness with your sister and makes you feel that you are meant to be single forever. Yup, he’s that guy. You can’t help but think that your sister had become his sole shopper, even buying him fashionable underwear. It’s a similar story to the creator of Ken Wroy. Vasumathi S was bored of her husband’s underwear and had to create a new, stylish option for him. After hearing about Ken Wroy, your sister quickly had to get a pair for her husband.
The Jock Friend of Your Dad
Though your dad may have just reached his midlife crisis, his longtime friend has always been that guy with the inability to grow out of his Fraternity life of yesteryear. He’s the guy that comes over for Thanksgiving in his Cowboys jersey and plants himself in front of the television. Yeah, A Wonderful Life may be on, but, he will make himself right at home and change the channel. When he comes over, the volume in the house is turned up to the Nth degree. He’s obnoxious about his love of football, but, he’s kind of sort of family. We’re sure he’s wearing a pair of underwear with the same color as his favorite NFL team, like the Pump! Thunder Touchdown boxer. Because, that’s what Thanksgiving is all about…right?
The Guido Boyfriend of Your Little Sister
Your older sister may have found the love of her life, but, your younger sister is sadly misguided. This Thanksgiving, she brings home boyfriend number 12– oh wait, we mean 13– and this time around it looks like she picked him up on one of her trips to the Jersey Shore. When you shake his hands, you realize that the substance he has passed on to you was not sweat but hair gel. He’s wearing some gaudy, studded tattoo t-shirt and kind of laughs like a gorilla. Often times you catch yourself wondering whether he spends more time in the tanning salon than your sister. As the resident “Guido,” there is no doubt to you that he is most likely wearing one of our top 11 Italian underwear brands. Judging from his Armani Exchange sunglasses in overcast temperature, you automatically think it’s Emporio Armani.
The Rapper Godson
For some families, Godparents and children are major fixtures at get togethers. In brief, Godparents look after the child’s spiritual journey, acting as the child’s moral compass whenever they get “lost.” That said, imagine your amusement when a Godchild arrives at Thanksgiving and pronounces that he is no longer John but J-Daddy Pimp. Yep, he believes that 90’s baggy pants and a do-rag changes his life story, though you know that he grew up in a Chelsea apartment right next to Katie Holmes. In the midst of his discussion about why Eminem is more of a “Rap God” than Kanye West, you notice he’s wearing white boxers. You come to find out it is a pair of trendy Charles Van Der Pear boxers.
The Hipster Vegan Friend Who Never Leaves
When your little sister is dating pretty much the scum of the universe, you are destined to have the guy that is pining for her affections, which means he is always over. He’s like the Millhouse to her Lisa. He’s the Steve Urkle to her Laura Winslow. Unfortunately, your mother thinks it’s adorable and lets him continue to come over. The thing about this guy is that he is probably some sort of modern day hopeless romantic, Hipster who doesn’t shower often, smokes controlled substances, and carries around a gallon of water as a statement piece. He’s all about helping the unfortunate, which is something you admire about him. He doesn’t just buy Toms for the fashionable idea that he is helping a child get a pair of shoes. He literally is excited that child is getting a pair of shoes. For this reason, he is most likely wearing underwear or long underwear from a brand like PACT, a brand that ties in a social cause with each collection.
The Foreign Exchange Student
The great thing about your mother is that her house is always open to someone in need. That’s why when she had the opportunity to host a student from another country for a year, she couldn’t say no. “I thought it’d expand our knowledge of the world. I had to say yes,” she tells you. Unfortunately, the six foot, beefy Ukrainian doesn’t speak a lick of your language. But, it is forcing you to open up a dictionary and try your hardest. By this time next week, you guys will be on the same page regarding why French Fries are not actually French and probably having an extensive debate regarding the president’s Health Care plan. The one language you both understand is underwear. It’s a cultural topic you can grow in non verbally. His favorite Ukrainian underwear brand is M8Mate.
The Black Sheep
Every family has that one middle child who has always felt like the world is against them. Even as adults, the black sheep of the family continues to harbor resentments. He is often the most sarcastic out of your family members. Well, he likes to think he’s the most sarcastic, when you know he’s just the most bitter. You have come to expect his backhanded compliments. That said, this Thanksgiving he is going through a rebel rocker phase. He had taken up Bass and is playing for a band called The Leftovers. To go along with his edgy, rebel rocker persona, he has decided to being wearing selections from the Nasty Pig Fall 2013 collection. With his pants that tight, you can only assume he is wearing a Nasty Pig covert jockstrap to go along with it.
The Pompous Jetsetter Single Neighbor
Remember how we said your mom has an open door policy? Well, your next door, single neighbor always finds his way over at Thanksgiving. It is always an awkward occurrence because no one is connected to him on any other level than that of being nice. It also doesn’t help that he always finds his way to talk your head off. If you are a fan of Saturday Night Live, he’s like the living version of Penelope. He is always trying to one up someone else even when his opinion is not asked. One topic he loves the most is travel. He’s been everywhere and knows all the spots. Which is interesting to you since he doesn’t ever leave his house cats unless he’s coming over for Thanksgiving. The only way you can make sense of all his traveling is that he buys a lot of international underwear…online. In reality, the closest he’s ever had to traveling to the UK is his Smuggling Duds boxer briefs.
Finally, the last guy at your Thanksgiving dinner is yourself. We may have pointed out the flaws in everyone else, but, to someone, you may just be as annoying. At the end of the day though, you wouldn’t have Thanksgiving any other way. It’s your own unique, dramatic family, and you are just thankful that you have them. This Thanksgiving, you are wearing a Mack Weldon boxer brief in one of Mack Weldon’s festive, Fall colors. As an underwear expert, you know that the Holiday is all about comfort and simplicity, especially when there is a lot of craziness going on around you.
Photo Credit: Malebasics, Frigo, Ginch Gonch, Jockey, Andrew Christian, Alpha + Omega, Ken Wroy, Pump!, Emporio Armani, Charles van der Pear, PACT, M8Mate, Nasty Pig, Smuggling Duds, Mack Weldon
For more information about these brands: M8Mate, Malebasics, Andrew Christian, Ginch Gonch, Alpha + Omega, Ken Wroy, Frigo, Jockey, Pump, Emporio Armani, Charles van der Pear, Pact, Nasty Pig, Smuggling Duds, Mack Weldon