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CHAPTER THE FIRST
There were two fashionable brothers, Hansel and … Hansel. Though they had the same name, the same habits, the same impeccable fashion sense, they were not by any means the same. For instance, Hansel preferred his underwear low-waisted, cut with slimming lines, and with an athletic jock backside. Hansel, on the other hand, liked his jockstraps traditionally old-fashioned. Hansel liked dayglo and Hansel liked retro. Hansel liked camo and Hansel liked pinstripes.
Confused? Of course you are.
And so was their stepmother. Too poor to afford the designer clothes her little fashionistas wanted, she was forced to make everything herself. But no matter how hard she’d tried, she could never live up to the fashionable twins’ needs, let alone remember which Hansel preferred what. She would sit at the kitchen table, fingers bleeding from sewing amidst a sea of fabric samples and magazine cutouts, and weep at her own misfortune. Eventually it became too much to bear.
So while Hansel and Hansel (the fashionable spawn of her obsequious husband) played ‘runway model’ in their room, squealing with glee, she hatched a plan.
“Knock, knock,” she said while entering the boys’ room uninvited.
“MOM!” shouted Hansel.
“YOU’RE INTERRUPTING,” scolded the other Hansel.
“Oh, I’m sorry dears,” she cooed. “What have I ruined?” she asked with false interest.
“Hansel was just showing off his new Garcon Model Watson Briefs,” Hansel explained.
“And Hansel was strutting his stuff in the brand new Rounderwear Army Trunks,” followed Hansel.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ll go.” she apologized. “I’ll you the big news another time.”
“WAIT! What news?” asked the twins.
“Why, it’s just that I received a notice in the mail of a new designer outlet—”
“—HERE?” Both asked, smacking their lips hungrily.
“Yes! Can you believe it?!” She continued. “Straight from runway to store,” she said. The boys could not speak they were so excited. “And it’s just in the center of our woods. Not even a day’s walk, and today is the grand opening.”
Before she could finish, Hansel and Hansel had packed. They threw on their Giraffe Happy Socks, Nasty Pig Crush Trunks, and their N2N Robertson Tanks. They were out the door like a shot. Their stepmother had never felt so relieved!