The Ultimate Underwear Personality Assessment

Some people get their tarot cards read, some rely heavily on fortune cookies in their Chinese take-out, whatever it be, everyone wants to discover themselves a little bit more, even in the most abstract of ways. Well, good readers, we here at The Underwear Expert are totally sure of ourselves in saying the ultimate personality assessment is an underwear personality assessment! We’re not just covering the basics either, we’ve got the assessment for whatever it is you’re wearing; the good, the bad, and the ridiculous.

Think your lacy red underwear says nothing about your personality? Well, obviously you’re wrong, so we’re bringing in the underwear personality lowdown for all different kinds of styles. Let’s get down to it:


So you wear briefs? You classic boy, you. You love to keep things in order, and you see the value in keeping things organized and safe, but you’re no stranger to style. Things get sexy when you want them to get sexy.


So you’re a jockstrap guy, huh? Well, there’s certainly no on/off switch on you is there? You embody mysterious sex appeal, and are always up for a good time. Some may describe you as the life of the party, and that’s usually not far from the truth is it?

Boxer Briefs.

Boxer Briefs? Well, well, you might not know where you stand on every side of every issue, and you might be a tiny bit more shy than the brief and jockstrap wearers, but that won’t stop you from having a good time. You follow the trends and keep like a pro, but deep down you’re waiting to unleash your own hip styles. Break free, young grasshopper!

Sequined Thong.

Sequined Thong? You must be Harry Styles at heart. Any man wearing sequined anything is a natural-born performer at heart, with the passion and underwear deserving of the limelight. Now go belt out that show tune one more time.


You’re a bit more hip than the average man, and you know it all the way down to your underwear. You wear this brief/boxer brief hybrid because you know you’re a hybrid of all kinds of styles. If you feel comfortable, keep wearin’ em, BRO.

Boxer Shorts.

Boxer Shorts, really? You must be a real Type-B personality. You know how to be sexy, but you prefer just to hang loose, literally and figuratively. You’re the kind of guy who just goes wherever life is winding him. Just keep breezing in the right direction, friend.

WarmPresents Designs.

You actually wear these things? Well, we’re not here to judge, folks. You’re the kind of guy who just does what he wants, and loves to get a laugh in the process… And believe us, with these, you’ll get the laughs… and the name-calling… *thumbs up!*


Wearing a G-Strong or a Thong? Like the jockstrap wearer, there’s no on/off switch with you, but you’re no mystery at all. You exude sexual confidence and energy, and you want everyone around you to know that. You’re not just the life of the party, you’re the life of the car ride to the party. Swag.

Good Devil Pouch Lifter.

Lordy, lord… You are a natural born show-off (not necessarily a bad thing), and a man who needs (or doesn’t need?) to be tamed, let’s leave it at that.


So you’re a fan of the jockbrief? We totally get you. You’re the kind of guy of who’s unbelievably sexy, but still likes to keep things in check and secure. How’d that Ludacris song go? “A lady in the street, but a freak in the bed?” Yeah, something like that…

Long Johns.

Long Johns, huh? Well, it’s all about keeping warm for you. As a man who cares solely about self-comfort and warmth before sex appeal, you long for success and wealth. Deep down, we know you’re a bit wild, and can’t wait to kick ’em off however.

Jerky Briefs.

Yes, these are literally briefs made out of beef jerky. If you’re wearing these, we know you’re a straight up wilderness man. Odds are, you were probably raised by wolves, but you’ve probably got a nice hickory-esque aroma to you.

Photo Credit: Stuff Stumbled Upon, Wiz Khalifa, Antonio Pulgarin, Aydin Arjoman, Baskit, Luis Rafael, West Phillips, Magic Mike

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